you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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