No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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