I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
