We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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