apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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