No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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