Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
