I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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