I got chris browned last night
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
