What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
