Moan for me like Helen Keller
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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