she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just found puke in my bra..
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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