I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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