She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
