I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
