I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
