The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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