The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
