woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
