life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
