do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
