yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
