question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
