I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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