All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
