woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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