When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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