Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
