I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
