So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
