Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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