I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
