im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
