i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
