K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
