Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
