weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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