Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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