he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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