you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
