Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
i've created a new STD.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
