do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
