i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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