god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
