Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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