why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
