Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
