All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
