She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
