Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
