I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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