my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
