I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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