broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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